Don't make out with my wife yet
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
