I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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