Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
