I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
