i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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