1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
