you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
