hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
