I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
