Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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