I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
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and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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