And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
