before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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