Fine. I'll sleep in my office
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
