i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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