My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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