dude i'm inner monologue high
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
