I wish my penis had an off switch
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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