If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
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you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
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There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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