he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
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You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
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I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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