OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
