Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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