I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
