I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
