Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
