I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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