i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
