So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
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Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
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What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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