last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
