I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
