I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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