Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
