so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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