Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
