The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
