God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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