I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
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Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
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Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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