you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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