we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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