if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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