Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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