What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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