I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.