Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
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Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
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One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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