i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
