My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
