Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
