I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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