Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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