I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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