dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
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