peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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