If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
