Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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